A Brief Complaint

(This letter is born from a number of thing, including Tamara's semi-comical letter to Tabasco and my own experiences with the seemingly randomly sized Fruit of the Loom two-pack of underwear. Yes, it is an actual letter, sent directly to Fruit of the Loom.)

Dear Fruit of the Loom:

I have been a proud customer of yours for many years, and I am very sorry to write this letter. But I have recently become a victim of some substantial underwear problems which, as a loyal customer, I would like you to address.

I find that Fruit of the Loom underwear is a good size for me, because it makes my genitalia bulge out. This is very attractive to the ladies, and I am never without female companionship because of my massively bulging package. I find that Fruit of the Loom underwear is the best for moulding my manhood into a large, rounded protrusion that is most pleasing to the female eye. I also find that I must replace my underwear every three weeks -- not because it is of inferior quality, but because it is worn to tatters through the vigorous action I get with the ladies. Fruit of the Loom actually outlasts many similar brands of underwear, and those brands it doesn't either have the texture of an unshaven Scotsman or fail to provide adequate phallic support.

Now that I have assured you of the quality of your products and how attractively it shapes my genitals, I would like to discuss the issue I've had -- mainly that the latest package of underwear I purchased does not shape my dong appropriately. I first noticed it at lunchtime as I walked down a street filled with attractive office workers, and not one took a second glance at my usually bulging johnson. Later that evening at a local hotel lounge that is frequented by many attractive ladies, it was disappointingly easy for me to weave through the crowds without brushing against anyone or knocking over a drink with my protruding wang.

This pair of defective undies is obviously an area of great concern, and I worry, not just for my rapidly fading sex life, but for all the lovely ladies who will be going home alone to watch Zalman King's Red Shoe Diaries instead of staring at the richly stuffed crotch of my 501s. Many lovely ladies want to share the glory of my rocket wrapped tightly in its Fruit of the Loom pocket, but my current saggy drawers are less a sight to behold and more a sight to bemoan.

Please make this unfortunate incident better for me and all the ladies by forwarding a new pair of boxer-brief style underpants to me, size small. Please ensure that they are black and tight in the crotch, in order to hold my junk properly.

Thank you,

--Deron Staffen